i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
