I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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