every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
