Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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