it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
