Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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