Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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