Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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