There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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