woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
