i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
