my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize