His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
