I wish I only lived at night.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
