I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
