Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize