tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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