Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Randomize
