my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
