the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize
