Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
