true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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