it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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