i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
