Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
