Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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