Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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