and she was petting her beer can
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
