Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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