Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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