it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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