i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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