Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
