DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
