i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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