I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
