Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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