Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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