i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
