he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize