Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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