I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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