gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I forget how to act sober
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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