Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
