So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
