Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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