I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
A+ Viking dick
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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