She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
