just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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