who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
