My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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