I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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