Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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