Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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