There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
