Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
