The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Randomize
