Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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